[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You Might Also Like
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
never compromise your values
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!