High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron