an octopus is just a wet spider
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“TGIM!” – My liver
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
#MeanwhileinCanada
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?