Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
brian had himself a morning…
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.