My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison