Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
We all have our pet causes.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft