Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.