there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
HERE’S MARKY
accurate
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.