Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof