Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?