If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
courtroom exchange of the day
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?