[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
me opening up to someone
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go