Easy enough.
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bought wrong eggs
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
good work, everybody
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.