When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.