i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.