When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.