ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
You Might Also Like
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*puts my mental health in rice
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak