Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You Might Also Like
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.