me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.