ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.