“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Not all heroes wear capes.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”