[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
huge if true: the moon
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes