Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.