A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin