I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles