ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
You Might Also Like
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.