Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
good work, everybody
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?