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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
incredible text to wake up to
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I…do not understand how electricity works.