I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away