*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”