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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I laughed at this way too hard.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????