Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.