It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
This has made my week.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.