guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
You Might Also Like
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
umm…
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward