Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree