Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
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If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
🤣
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Sing it!
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”