I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
You Might Also Like
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
we all know this pain all too well
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Yes, this is exactly right
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My daily affirmation
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
This makes total sense…