No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!