Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If snakes were wide
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Natty or not?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.