9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?