If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Growing out my freckles.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs