Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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Are you ok, human???
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Seems a bit forward
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch