Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?