Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.