[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!