If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
You Might Also Like
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever