The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.