Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.