Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My dad teaching me to drive
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do