I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u